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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23163709">Stay, Stay, Stay With Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartscanvas/pseuds/heartscanvas'>heartscanvas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TWICE (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anorexia, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorder, F/F, Forbidden Love, Im Nayeon x fem!reader, Im Nayeon x reader, LGBT, LGBT+, LGBTQIA+, Mental Illness, Nayeon x feml!reader, Nayeon x reader, Psychology, Relapse, TWICE x Reader, Twice x fem!reader, fem!reader - Freeform, kpop, lgbtqia, mental health, x Reader, x fem!reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:36:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23163709</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartscanvas/pseuds/heartscanvas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Y/N and Nayeon meet at an IOP, a psychological program for those struggling with issues like their mental health. Fraternizing with other patients outside of the program is forbidden, but the two form a close bond and start seeing each other outside of the program in secret.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Im Nayeon &amp; Myoui Mina, Im Nayeon/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hiii. Just so you know, I am very new to Twice. As in I became a Once within the last couple weeks and am still in the process of listening to their discography for the first time and getting to know them as people. So, if the girls are out of character, I’m sorry. And please be kind in the comments. This is my first x reader, and I’m mostly just writing this for fun as I am in the process of getting out of a very bad place mentally. Anyway, that’s all I think you need to know ahead of time, so here’s the story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Stay with me.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the song ended, Y/N paused her Spotify and took her phone out of its holder. She had already parked and taken her keys out of the ignition. There was no excuse to stay in her car any longer, but she still hesitated, loosing a heavy sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew this was what she needed. She knew she needed help, and this was the place to get it, but she couldn’t help it- she was nervous! She was an introvert and had no idea how she was going to do in groups instead of one on one therapy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But she had to get out eventually- so she did just that. She headed into the building, pausing for a moment in the hallway as she tried to recall the way to the program’s office. Thankfully, she found it without much difficulty. There wasn’t anyone there, except faculty in their own individual offices, so she just scurried to one of the tables in the break room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was an effort pulling a chair out from underneath the table, but she managed and promptly sat down, practically folding in on herself as she did. Her anxiety wasn’t too much worse than expected, but it had still spiked, so she closed her eyes and practiced some square breathing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and repeat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once her heart had stopped pounding in her chest, she pulled her phone out of her purse, plugged her headphones in, and put her kpop playlist on shuffle. There were still about twenty minutes until their first group, so she might as well just close her eyes and try to relax.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chuu’s “Heart Attack” breathed all of the positive energy into her body, and she almost didn’t notice when someone sat down across from her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N glanced up and was surprised to see a smiling girl setting her backpack on the floor and folding her hands on top of the table. She was pretty- not in the stunning bombshell kind of way but in a more soft one. She was interesting. She had a gummy smile, and her two front teeth were slightly big, making her kinda look like a bunny- in a good way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you listening to kpop?” she asked, pointing at the other girl’s phone. Normally, Y/N would have hidden her phone away and pretended like she didn’t know what she was talking about, but, before she could, this girl said, “I love kpop! Who’s your favorite group?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N paused and started to chew on the inside of her cheek, a nervous tick. Was this girl serious? Could they really have anything in common? “I really like Twice,” she murmured underneath her breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Twice?” the girl asked, leaning forward like she wanted to make sure she heard her right. “They’re my favorite too! God, their latest Korean comeback, “Feel Special”- what an anthem. I wasn’t even over “Fancy”, and then they did </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shook her head, then rested it on top of her hand. “You seem nervous,” she commented- just like that, without a care that she was completely calling her out. “It’s not gonna be as bad as you think it is. We’re not just the physical embodiments of depression or substance abuse or whatever problem it is we’re here for. We’re actually a pretty fun bunch- really.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>More people started sitting down, and the girl reached over to give Y/N’s hand a squeeze before turning to a burly man who also struggled to get his chair out from under the table. They started talking about how their weekend was, and Y/N just sunk further into her seat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She glanced down at her phone, and it took her a second to realize it was “Feel Special” that was playing. She turned the volume up and shut her eyes, focusing on the song instead of this or that or whatever it was that was worrying her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before she knew it, there was a tap on her shoulder, and, when she opened her eyes, that girl was gesturing for her to follow the rest of them into the conference room. Y/N took her headphones out of her ears and turned her phone off before getting up and inching her way inside. She sat in the corner between the burly man and a guy who looked like he might be in his early twenties. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it looks like we have some new faces here today,” a man across the room said. She knew him, Logan, because he had done her intake appointment. He was probably in his early forties with a slightly receding hairline and kind, brown eyes. He gestured to Y/N and added, “Everyone, this is Y/N.” And, then, he gestured to a girl who appeared smaller than she actually was with the way her shoulders were hunched inwards, “And this is Mina.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It definitely helped Y/N slow her breathing, knowing she wasn’t the only one who was new to this. She found herself glancing at the girl to see how she was reacting, but she seemed almost hyper-focused on the conversation at hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, for those of you who don’t know how this works,” Logan said, picking up a tablet from the seat next to him, “this is check-in. You give me a rating of your mood and then describe yourself according to some category that we pick.” He glanced around the room and asked, “Have we done marine animals in awhile?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Several people shook their heads, and Logan nodded. “Alright then. We’ll do that.” He turned to the girl from earlier, who sat a few seats away. “Would you like to start us off, Nayeon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon grinned and crossed her arms over her chest as she thought about her answer. “Mood? A seven.” She paused as Logan took down her answer. “Marine animal… I’m like a penguin.” She uncrossed her arms and sat up taller in her seat. “Because it can live on land but also go in the water, and I feel very capable today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” Logan replied as he typed before looking up at the next person. “Ben?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This kept going, someone describing themselves as a manatee, another as some prehistoric fish, and all Y/N could think about was penguins, penguins, and more penguins. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y/N? Mood rating?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She bit her lip, still worried about what she would say for her marine animal. “I’m like a three?” It came out more like a question than anything. She wasn’t feeling great, but she was at least able to get up out of bed that morning. </span>
</p><p><span>“And your animal?” Logan asked once he was done with her rating. </span><span><br/>
</span> <span>“Am I allowed to also say a penguin?” Y/N asked.</span></p><p>
  <span>Logan shrugged and said, “I don’t see why not. What’s most important is why are you a penguin?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She paused for a few moments, wondering if she was really going to say this but gave up in the end. “I keep tapping my foot because I’m anxious, and it’s reminding me of Happy Feet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The burly man laughed, and Y/N saw Mina duck her head to hide a small smile, and she felt a lot better, knowing at least she helped Mina feel a little bit better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That works,” Logan said, grinning before moving on. “David?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a five.” He reached a hand up to run it through his beard and added, “And I’m an octopus. Because I have a lot of arms, so I can handle a lot of different things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they went around the room and got closer and closer to her, Mina started to look more and more terrified, but they eventually got to her turn. She swallowed when Logan asked for her rating. “A two,” she spoke quietly, squeezing her hands together in her lap, her knuckles going white. “And I’m... a fish. Because I’m like a fish out of water.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan nodded as he typed, and, when he was done, he promptly glanced up at all of them and said, “Okay. Fifteen minute break. Then, we’ll have Anxiety Management back in this room.” He opened the door for all of them to leave while he reviewed what was on his tablet, and they all shuffled out and back to the break room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N pulled out her headphones again, but, before she could plug them into her ears, Nayeon sat down next to her with a grin. She thought the girl would say something to her, but she just turned to David, who was struggling to get something out of the vending machine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This thing never likes to work, does it?” he sighed, reaching up to brush his hands through hair that simply wasn’t there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can bring it up at wrap up,” the guy who looked like he was in his early twenties suggested. She wanted to say his name was Sam, but she couldn’t really remember for sure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want something sweet, I might have something for you,” Nayeon added, rummaging through her backpack. “I made some cookies last night.” She brought out a tupperware and held it out to David, who shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should have it,” he said, pausing as he glanced at Y/N, then to Mina. “You went through the trouble of making it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon frowned but didn’t argue, putting the tupperware back. “It’s really no problem. But, if you say so, it’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N plugged her headphones in after that. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the people there. They all seemed fine, but that’s the thing- </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> wasn’t fine. She wasn’t comfortable talking to complete strangers like they were friends, no matter how friendly they were. She found herself glancing at each of them out of the corner of her eye, just watching them as all but her and Mina talked and laughed. She felt a weight settling on her chest and was about to excuse herself- go to the bathroom and focus on her breathing until she felt okay again- when someone tapped on her shoulder. She pulled her headphones out and turned to see a woman in her late twenties. She was beautiful in a way unlike Nayeon, in a more striking way. She was on the heavier side but didn’t carry herself like there was anything wrong with it, and her makeup was stunning, drawing attention to her high cheekbones and strong jawline. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y/N, right?” she asked, and Y/N nodded. “I’m Malia. I’m going to be your therapist for your time at this program,” she said, extending her hand for Y/N to shake, which she did. “I wanted to talk to you in my office if that’s okay.” Y/N nodded and stood up, following her to another room while Logan called the rest of the group in for Anxiety Management.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hesitantly sat down in the plush seat that she had to scoot in a little bit to directly face Malia’s desk. The room was dotted with art pieces here and there, most of which featured mental health mantras- “opinions don’t define your reality” and “everyone’s journey is different” and “happiness is found within”. There were also small potted plants on her windowsill in varying states of health. There were fully bloomed orchids, and then there were drooping figs fighting for their lives. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just wanted to kinda get to know you, so I can be the best therapist I can for you,” Malia said as she sat down behind her desk and started clicking away on her computer. “So when did you first notice your mental illness?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N bit the inside of her cheek and avoided eye contact as she replied, “I’ve kind of had anxiety basically my whole life. I was always beyond shy. But the depression probably started- I don’t know. Two years ago?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malia nodded as she typed down everything Y/N said. “What do you think happened two years ago that contributed to the start of the depression? Or was there no real trigger?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N sighed, the weight in her chest coming back a little, but she had nowhere to go. “I didn’t get into my top school,” she said, brushing a lock of hair back behind her ear. “The first time I applied, I got deferred. Then, I got waitlisted. Then, they took everyone off the waitlist.” She bit her lip, glancing down at her hands where they were folded in her lap. “And that was around the time my grandma died.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a short silence, the only sound that of Malia typing. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” she said eventually, reaching over to hold Y/N’s hands. “Grieving the loss of a grandparent is hard enough on its own. You must have been so heartbroken.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N nodded. “But.” She glanced up, and Malia was smiling slightly, “You’re stronger because of what you went through. I’m sure she would be proud of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N was silent, and Malia cocked her head to the side after one too many moments of quiet. “Is there a reason she wouldn’t be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N shifted in her seat, looking past Malia as she said, “I’m not… straight. And I never got to ask her- how she felt about that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malia gave her hands a light squeeze. “We’ll never know how she would have felt,” she admitted, “but we can always guess- based on the strength of your relationship. Were you two close?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N nodded. “I loved her so much,” she said, a lump forming in her throat. She tried to swallow it, but it hurt, and there were tears in her eyes. “She would have done anything for me. And I would have done anything for her. And- and I would do anything to have her back, even if that meant-” She paused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malia cocked her head to the side and gestured for her to continue. “Even if that meant?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never loving anyone,” Y/N choked out as the tears fell. Malia pushed a tissue box on her desk toward her, and Y/N quietly thanked her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is a complicated situation,” Malia said, pulling her hand back to rest it in her lap. “But what’s not complicated is that you deserve to be able to love someone. We all deserve that, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or both- we all deserve to love someone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what if she’d hate me?” Y/N asked, wiping her face with her hand as her tissue was soaked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those are the exact kind of questions you want to avoid,” Malia said. She pulled out and started flipping through a floral folder on her desk. “They lead to what we call thought spiralling, which just causes endless, unnecessary pain.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But how do you avoid them?” Y/N asked, reaching for another tissue and blowing her nose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have to train yourself to recognize when you’re having one of those negative thoughts,” Malia said. “And, when you recognize it, you need to try what we call thought stopping. Just tell yourself- stop. This isn’t worth worrying about, and try to think of something else.” She pulled a sheet of paper out of her folder. “Finally. This is what I was looking for.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N cocked her head to the side to get a good look at it. “This is the cycle of thoughts, feelings, and behavior,” Malia told her, pointing at a circle with arrows pointing from one stage to the next. “Thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to behavior, which lead to thoughts. So, if you think, “What if my grandma would have hated me”, that leads to the feeling that you aren’t worth love, which leads to the behavior of you isolating yourself, which leads to even more negative thoughts. You need to stop the cycle because it will only get worse and worse..”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She handed the paper to Y/N and said, “You can keep this in case it helps remind you why you need to practice thought stopping.” Y/N nodded and held the paper to her chest. Malia sighed, watching her. “Is there anything else you feel like you need to tell me or anything you want to talk about before you go?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N paused. There were things bothering her, of course. She was mentally ill after all. But she wasn’t completely comfortable talking about these things with an almost complete stranger. Maybe another day. So she shook her head, and Malia nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll see you sometime soon, okay?” she asked and stood up to open the door for Y/N, who nodded and stepped out. “I believe Anxiety Management is still going on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N walked into the conference room, where she was immediately handed a sheet of paper with a drawing of a thermostat, a pen, and a clipboard. As she sat down in her corner, she glanced at the board. They were filling the different levels of the thermostat with different symptoms and skills to use for different levels of anxiety with more cognitive symptoms like difficulty concentrating at the bottom and more physical symptoms like feeling like you’re dying at the top. There were skills she had never heard of like TIP and observe and describe, but she tried to copy it all down as fast as she could, figuring she’d ask questions at the end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But they ended before she could ask her questions. She was still struggling to write everything down, and Logan started erasing the board. She sighed in defeat when a paper was stuck out in her direction. She looked up, and there Nayeon was, handing her her paper. “To copy,” she explained, and Y/N felt herself flush as she took it and thanked her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon sat in the seat next to her as she wrote and asked, “You have any questions? I know I didn’t know all of these skills when I first came here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“TIP…” Y/N mumbled underneath her breath, and Nayeon perked up even more if that was even possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s one of my favorites! So it stands for temperature change, intense exercise, and paired muscle relaxation or paced breathing. So you could use ice or take a warm or cold shower. You could do something like a wall sit or go up and down the stairs a few times. And you could do progressive muscle relaxation or something like square breathing. It’s really helpful for getting your mind off of your anxiety!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N wrote all of this down, so she wouldn’t forget, and Nayeon was grinning when she handed her her paper back. “This place really isn’t that bad, right?” she asked as she stood up and waited for Y/N at the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N hesitantly stood up too and nodded. “It’s… better than I expected.” And it was. She followed Nayeon to the break room, and, for the first time, she didn’t immediately latch onto her phone. She sat down beside Mina and smiled at the girl who was still on hers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you adjusting?” Y/N asked as she crossed her legs. She felt stupid for asking- that’s what the therapists were supposed to ask, not her, but she couldn’t go back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m… it’s not that bad,” Mina mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I said!” Nayeon exclaimed, sitting down on her other side and taking a cookie out of her tupperware. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I liked Anxiety Management,” Mina admitted, shifting in her seat. “I think that’s something I needed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like you’ll love Music Therapy,” Nayeon said between bites. “It’s my favorite group.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe…” Mina said, rubbing the back of her neck. “I don’t know if you guys will want to listen to the music I like though.” Y/N silently agreed. She was always nervous to play kpop around other people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“None of us are here to judge,” Nayeon assured them. “Hell, I play kpop half the time, and people mostly just ask me who sings it. We all just love music.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mina blinked, then smiled, and happiness really looked amazing on her. “You like kpop?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep! And so does Y/N,” Nayeon said, nudging Y/N with her shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mina ran a hand through her hair and then asked, “When’s Music Therapy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Every Tuesday!” Nayeon replied. “First thing after check-in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mina hummed under her breath. “I guess I have something to look forward to then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon grinned, and Y/N found that seeing the two of them happy really made her happy too. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Y/N grabbed her chair, the same chair she sat in yesterday at the corner of the small table. It was stuck and took an effort to get out from underneath. But she managed. And she promptly sat down, immediately scrolling through her phone like it was an extension of her, like it was yet another limb. And she immediately put her kpop playlist on shuffle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes fell shut as Mamamoo’s vocals reached out at her like a sweet caress, as a shiver ran down her spine- as goosebumps ran down her skin like they were in the final sprint of a marathon- as every muscle in her body tensed for a moment to relax, to lay slack in the next. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She almost didn’t register when someone sat beside her. Her vision was bleary when she finally did peel her eyes open, and she had to blink a few times to register that the sight before her was real.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon was hunched over in the seat beside her. She held up her head with a hand that was covering her eyes. Her lips were pursed in thought- her nose scrunched up in distaste. Her hair was a giant mass of tangles as if it hadn’t been touched, let alone brushed. And her body was lost somewhere in the midst of a T-shirt that looked at least two sizes too big, her sweatpants so long they dragged on the ground, clearly made for someone several inches taller than her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N reached out to touch her on the shoulder when Nayeon murmured, “I’m fine. Or I’ll be fine. I just need some time in Process today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N retracted her hand but pulled an ear bud out. “Are you sure? You seem kinda…” She searched for a word, but nothing was quite good enough. Disheveled? Distressed? Nothing was good enough for Nayeon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just need time in Process,” Nayeon said, running her hand down along her face. Y/N finally saw Nayeon’s eyes and just how tired she looked. “We’re here to get better. I’ve gotten better. And I will get better again.” She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before asking, “Are you gonna play any kpop in Music Therapy?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N took out her other ear bud and placed her phone on the table, her headphones splayed in a mess on top of it. “I’ve been listening to some Mamamoo,” she admitted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon smiled slightly, almost wistfully. “Mamamoo are great.” She nodded at nothing in particular. “You should suggest Mike plays Mamamoo then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mike?” Y/N asked, moving a lock of hair behind her ear and sitting up straight. She didn’t like not knowing something. There was a part of her that wanted to impress Nayeon, and she couldn’t do that when she knew nothing about this place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Music Mike- or Magic Mike if you prefer,” Nayeon said, peeking an eye open to give Y/N a weak smirk. “Everyone messes up and calls him that at some point. He doesn’t get offended when you do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I called him that my first day here,” Sam called, and Y/N jumped slightly, not having realized he was there, let alone that he was listening. But there he was at the infamous vending machine, punching buttons and just hoping it would work just once. Something finally fell, and he did a little cheer as he plucked the tiny bag of chocolate chip cookies out and ripped it open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he didn’t eat it. He promptly tossed it to Nayeon, who managed to catch it in her elbow. Her face was tired, but she didn’t argue and started munching on the cookies before offering Y/N one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She accepted it with the quietest of thank yous. Another woman that she didn’t recognize sat down across from her, and Nayeon gave her one too, despite a strange look from Sam that Y/N didn’t understand. She knew that some people only came in three days a week and only for part of the day as she would be expected to do later on in her treatment. But, even as the woman sent her a small smile and introduced herself as Isabelle, she found herself withdrawing again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was quiet all throughout check in with Logan- all that really happened was Nayeon asked to see her therapist when he asked about special needs. And she generally felt a tightness in her chest until she sat down for Music Therapy, and there was a man, presumably Mike, with a guitar and a speaker and little drums and shakers laid out on the floor. She’d blanked out when he introduced himself, but, suddenly, a clipboard was being passed her way with a bunch of songs scribbled down. She glanced at the list- there was a Beatles song and two Foo Fighters ones. Everything was definitely in English, but she made eye contact with Nayeon across the room. She smiled, albeit weakly, and Y/N pursed her lips, wrote down a song, and passed it along. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When it got back to Mike, he commented, “A nice list. I know some of these, so we can actually play them live if you’d like. And the others sound interesting, so that’ll be good too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N flushed, figuring hers was one of those “interesting” ones, but she glanced at Nayeon and at Mina too, and she told herself she wasn’t alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ended up playing the Beatles and one of the Foo Fighters songs, and Y/N tapped her foot along beat by beat, but other people picked up a drum here and a shaker there, and it was- an experience, such passion in the moment. It had her chest relaxing. It had her smiling, even if just slightly. Although she noticed he was skipping around songs, and she feared for a moment that he’d skip hers altogether. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone said that they wanted to sing,” he said, and Y/N blinked in surprise, not having realized that it was an option- not that she would do it herself. She wasn’t a terrible singer, but she was definitely a nervous one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon raised her hand, and Y/N found herself blinking again. She didn’t seem to be in the best place today, but perhaps that was even more reason to sing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel Special by Twice?” Mike asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N exhaled shakily. She knew Nayeon loved the song- she’d told her just yesterday, but she hadn’t gotten to say how much it meant to her too- it meant a lot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon sat up straight and opened her mouth to sing when Malia peeked her head in through the door. “Nayeon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her face fell, and it looked like she would cry for a second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this a bad time?” Malia asked, but Nayeon shook her head and quickly got up and left, closing the door behind her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess we’ll skip her then,” Mike murmured and picked up the clipboard again to glance at the list. “Someone requested- Destiny by… Mamamoo?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N nodded, and he smiled at her. “I’ve never heard of them. What genre are they?” he asked curiously while typing on his phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re… a kpop girl group,” she hesitantly admitted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks like someone else requested a song by them too,” he commented, and Mina suddenly looked flushed. “Angel by Mamamoo? Was that you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She folded her hands in her lap and pursed her lips. “They’re one of my favorite groups,” she said, brushing a lock of hair back behind her ear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll listen to Destiny first, and, then, we can listen to Angel next,” he suggested and fiddled with his speaker and setting it down in the center of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>It's been a shining star. It's been a blue sky. Gonna tell you something about my story</span>
  </em>
  <span>…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N closed her eyes and just let the music wash over her. She wished Nayeon was here to hear it. It reminded her of the strange girl for some reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She murmured what she could hear and pronounce of the Korean, but it wasn’t much and was mostly just bits here and there of the chorus. But she let herself get lost in it like it was just her in that room. She even forgot for a moment that there was anyone else around- until she heard someone singing along, very softly. And, when she opened her eyes, it was Mina, of course, and she thought to herself that her voice was very beautiful- and very fitting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The song came to a close, and Mina let her sweet voice fade.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the band’s name again?” Sam asked, and he took a small notebook out from his pocket and grabbed a pen from a cup in the corner of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mamamoo,” Mike said. They both sounded intrigued, Mike biting the inside of his cheek as he stared at the clipboard. “I’m gonna have to give the rest of their music a listen. Thank you for bringing them up,” he told Y/N, who gawked at the sincerity in his words. Normally, when she brought up kpop to other people, they treated her like she was crazy. “I’ve been getting more into kpop from all of Nayeon’s suggestions,” he added, and Sam murmured something sounding like an agreement. “Next up, Angel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can-” Mina spoke up but stopped, looking nervous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can?” Mike asked, setting down his phone. “You want to sing?” he guessed, and Mina bit her lip but nodded. “Alright. No problem.” He smiled and gestured her way. “The floor is yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mina closed her eyes for a moment, squeezed them tight before sitting up straight and setting her feet flat on the ground. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice was simply beautiful. It was different from Solar’s or Wheein’s- she wasn’t a powerhouse, but her voice was so sweet it didn’t matter. It had its own appeal and was just so- Mina. When the song was over, Y/N found herself feeling a tiny bit sad. The loss of Mina’s voice felt like just that- a loss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that’s about all the time we have left,” Mike said, clapping his hands together. “I believe you guys have a fifteen minute break right now. I’ll see you next week.” He stood up and walked over to Mina, talking to her too quietly for Y/N to hear from across the room. But Mina, with her eyebrows all the way up her forehead and a nervous smile on her face, didn’t seem to mind too much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N walked out and sat down in her usual spot, everyone else filtering out after her. Nayeon came out a few minutes later and quietly sat down next to Y/N, resting her head on top of her hand and tapping her cheek to some unknown rhythm. Y/N just stared at her, eyes roaming from her deep set, dark brown eyes to the bunny teeth that bit at her lip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You good?” Nayeon asked eventually, turning to face Y/N head on. She flushed, not having realized she was in fact staring so hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good,” she murmured, nodding her head up and down jerkily like she had never done the motion before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you say so,” Nayeon replied, her fingers finally stopping their tapping. “I guess it’d be fine even if you weren’t. That’s why we have Process.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N hesitated but asked anyway, “What… is Process exactly? Process what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon cocked her head to the side, and Y/N chewed on her lip, wondering why she’d ask such a stupid question. “I mean, it’s about processing anything really,” she said after a moment. “It could be something that happened or your thoughts, emotions. It’s nothing in particular.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s basically an open forum,” Logan said behind them, and Y/N jumped. She had had no idea he was there. “Speaking of, it’s about that time again that we get inside,” he addressed everyone. “Let’s get started.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone got up and went inside, Y/N clenching and unclenching her hands by her sides to get some nervous energy out of her system. She stopped when she sat down, turning to Logan, who set his tablet down on the chair beside him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know we have some new people, who need to hear the rules, but I don’t think I really need this thing to remember them,” he joked, rubbing his hands together. “So. I don’t know if you heard, Mina,” he said, and the girl jumped slightly, surprised clearly at being mentioned by name, “Nayeon was just explaining to Y/N that Process is all about… well, processing whatever you need to process. It could be something that happened, but it could also be your thoughts or emotions. It’s really an open forum. Any questions?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mina raised her hand after a moment of silence, and Logan gestured for her to speak. “You mentioned rules?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. We have just a couple of rules for this group,” Logan said. “Mostly rather small things that I’m sure you’ll be fine with.” He glanced up at the ceiling. “Let’s see if I can remember these all off the top of my head.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got this,” David replied, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’ve told us enough times to know it by heart.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad to have your vote of confidence,” Logan said. “Basically, we just want to speak in the I and not the you. We want to avoid glorifying things like substance abuse and other negative coping skills. You can mention them. Just don’t glorify them. And, as always, we want to avoid talking about what anyone else brings to the table outside of this room.” He clapped his hands and glanced around the room. “Sound good?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone nodded, and David commented, “See? I knew you had it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, David. Now,” Logan said, picking up his tablet again and turning to Nayeon. “Nayeon, you need any time in Process today?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded immediately. “I think I could use some time, yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” He made a note and turned to the next person, then the next person. No one else seemed to need time by the time they got to Y/N. “Y/N. Need time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She paused. Did she need time? She had thoughts she was struggling with, but did she really want to bring them up to all of these people? But wasn’t that the entire point of her being here? “I guess. A little,” she murmured, and Logan nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need some time,” David said before Logan was even done writing a note for Y/N, but he didn’t complain and just wrote something down for both. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mina?” Mina opened her mouth to say something, then closed it and shook her head. “You sure?” Logan asked, and she nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good,” she choked out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” He glanced down at his tablet before turning to Nayeon. “Who wants to go first?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon and David glanced at one another. “Let’s let Y/N go first,” Nayeon said, and he nodded in agreement. “It’s her first time after all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N fiddled with her hands in her lap as everyone turned to look at her. Maybe she shouldn’t have agreed to this- but she had to say something now, so she shifted in her seat and took a deep breath. “I’ve been- struggling with my thoughts,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you been engaging in negative self talk?” Logan asked, and she nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have anxiety,” she admitted and pursed her lips. “I always have, but it’s gotten worse over the years. It’s… especially bad in social situations. Kinda like this.” She rubbed the back of her neck- she just couldn’t quite sit still. “I tell myself stuff like- like no one likes me, or I’m worthless, or just about any negative thing you can think of. And I know Malia said to try thought stopping, but, the more I try to stop them, the worse they seem to get.” She felt breathless by the time she was done and inhaled shakily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think you’re worthless?” Nayeon asked, and Y/N paused for a moment, then nodded. “I understand that you have anxiety,” she said, glancing briefly at Logan before looking back at Y/N. “And I know that that can lead to cognitive distortions. You know what those are?” Y/N nodded again. “You’re thinking things that simply aren’t true. Like- I know for a fact people here like you. I like you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N felt tears in her eyes but quickly blinked them away. Nayeon continued, “And you’re certainly not worthless. Not by a long shot.” She folded her hands in her lap. “How about we make a deal?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N furrowed her eyebrows. “A deal?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll tell you when I see a side of you that I don’t like,” Nayeon said. She smiled, and it was the first time her smile looked strong that entire day. “And I promise to be genuine. So, until then, you’ll know- there’s nothing wrong with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N was silent- she didn’t know what to say. It was such a simple solution to what had felt like an astronomical problem. She couldn’t help but wonder- would Nayeon really do something like that for her?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise to be genuine,” Nayeon reminded her, and Y/N smiled through her tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” she murmured. Nayeon got up to grab the tissues they kept in the corner of the room and give it to Y/N, who took them with another whimper of thanks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” Mina muttered, and everyone turned to her, causing her to shrink, but she bit her lip and continued, “I promise to be genuine and tell you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too,” Sam said, then David, then Isabelle and Logan. Y/N blew her nose and started laughing. She felt so much freer. The weight had lifted off her chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you. Thank you- thank you.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re welcome,” Logan said for everyone, then turned to Nayeon. “Nayeon. I believe you wanted some time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon’s face looked much paler than it did when she was talking to Y/N. She glanced at the floor for a moment before taking a deep breath and speaking. “Some of you know I’ve struggled with an eating disorder.” Some people like Sam and David nodded, but Y/N froze and saw Mina do the same out of the corner of her eye. “I’m in recovery,” Nayeon clarified, “but that doesn’t mean that things aren’t still hard.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Has something been triggering you?” Logan guessed, and Nayeon sighed and nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can only guess why, but YouTube keeps recommending me videos about weight loss,” she said, shifting in her seat. “Stuff about only eating one meal a day or eating according to kpop stars’ diets- stuff like that. And it’s… really triggering.” She sounded like she was going to cry, but she licked her lips and kept going. “But I can’t stop going on YouTube altogether. Because- I’m part of communities of people struggling like I am on there. It’s really hard to stay… to stay body positive without that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You haven’t started to relapse, have you?” Logan asked. Nayeon was silent for a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had a panic attack- at least that’s what I think it was,” she said, her knuckles going white where she gripped the sides of her chair. “I was reading the number of calories that were in what I was eating, and I…” She bit the inside of her cheek and shut her eyes, just breathing in and out and in and out for a few seconds. “I was freaking out just like I used to, but I wasn’t going to purge. I was not going to go back to that place in my life. But I felt like I was- worthless.” She laughed, glancing at Y/N, but it was bittersweet. “I guess you’re not the only one having cognitive distortions.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room was quiet. Y/N felt like shit. She had the audacity to complain about her own problems like they were world ending when Nayeon was struggling like this. But, thinking about things in terms of what they had in common, she raised her hand to speak. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y/N?” Logan asked, gesturing her way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll tell you when there’s a side of you I don’t like,” Y/N said. She still sounded like she’d been crying, but she sniffled and repeated, “And- I promise to be genuine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon swallowed thickly and nodded. “Thank you,” she whispered. Isabelle reached a hand over and patted her on the knee. “Thank you, everyone,” she said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone was silent, and, after letting it be for a moment, Logan spoke, “I believe we still have David left.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Y/N found she couldn’t really pay attention while David was talking. And, before she knew it, Process was over, and so was lunch and DBT and wrap up. She picked through her purse, trying to find her keys on the sidewalk by her car, when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She jumped and turned around to see Nayeon with her hands folded behind her back, shuffling on her feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is everything okay?” Y/N asked, unsure what else to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon removed her hands from behind her back and held out a piece of paper. “My number,” she clarified. “I just thought- you might want it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N’s mouth felt dry as she stared at the paper. “Aren’t we not supposed to- you know, talk to each other outside of the program and stuff?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s only a problem if they know about it,” Nayeon said, but she bit her lip, clearly nervous about it too. “You don’t have to take it. I just thought I’d- you know, give you the option.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N paused, glancing at Nayeon’s eyes. She looked tired, but there was still some energy there that could not be stripped away from her, no matter what. “Okay,” Y/N said finally, taking the piece of paper. “I’ll- call you some time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon nodded. She couldn’t help the smile that took over her face. “Okay. See you.” She headed off, probably toward her own car, but Y/N just stood there for a moment or two before putting the paper in her purse and pulling out her keys. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Y/N lifted her foot from the brake and just sat there for a minute as the song she had playing ended, and she put her playlist on pause. She gripped her steering wheel, letting steady breaths in and out as she wrapped her head around what she was doing. She wasn’t supposed to be here, but here she was- parked in the driveway of Nayeon’s apartment complex. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took her keys out of the ignition and stepped out of her car. She held her purse close like a kindergartener with their lunchbox on the first day of school. Realizing what she was doing, she let the hand that held her purse drop to her side, but she couldn’t get rid of all of the nervous energy in her body as she walked up the stairs and to the right floor and door. She cringed as she rang the doorbell, the noise louder than she would have liked the signal of her arrival to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She heard someone call out something she couldn’t understand, and, after a minute, Nayeon pulled the door open with a toothy grin. “You’re just in time,” she breathed as Y/N removed her shoes. “We’re just about to put the cookies on the baking sheet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We?” Y/N asked, raising an eyebrow and depositing her purse on the floor before following her into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mina waved, although her face looked nervous. “Hi, Y/N.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Y/N replied, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear as she headed to the counter where Mina was standing. There was a sudden weight on her chest. She had thought that it would just be her and Nayeon, and she wasn’t sure if she should be upset or relieved that that was not the case. But the fact was that Mina was there, and she liked Mina, so she decided that she was glad to have her here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was just asking the baking sheet who’s the fairest of them all,” Mina murmured, scooching to the side, so Y/N and Nayeon had more room. They could kind of see their reflections in the baking sheet but not really. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I was just saying it’s me of course,” Nayeon added, arms akimbo. “I mean, look at me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She definitely had not been saying the same thing a few days ago, but Y/N supposed this was as good a coping mechanism as any. She wasn’t dressed like she was hiding her body anymore. She had on a short, red dress and matching lipstick. She was like a princess, and yet she also reminded Y/N of Snow White’s poisoned apple. Alluring- but forbidden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took a wad of cookie dough and rolled it into vaguely the shape of a cookie before plopping it on the baking sheet, and Y/N realized even her nails were painted bright red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on,” Nayeon said and brushed hair out of her face with her wrist rather than her hands, which had bits of cookie dough stuck here and there. “Wash your hands first though, Y/N.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N assumed Mina had already done so as she pushed her sleeves up and scrubbed her hands down. She pulled off a piece of paper towel to dry them off and threw it in the trash. </span>
</p><p><span>They each ripped off bits of cookie dough and molded them into cookies until there wasn’t any cookie dough left to mold. Nayeon clapped her hands and rubbed them up against each other. </span><span><br/></span> <span>“Alright. I’ll put them in the oven for like ten minutes, and, then, we should be good to go,” she said, grabbing the baking sheet and fiddling with the oven.</span></p><p>
  <span>Y/N and Mina washed their hands again and moved over to the kitchen table to let Nayeon get things rolling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel free to put some music on,” Nayeon called once she was done and was washing her hands again. “I have a giant kpop playlist on my Spotify. My passcode is 922995.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N and Mina both watched as she dropped her phone on the table. But Mina hesitated to pick it up, reaching her hand out for a second before pulling it back, so Y/N took it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon’s lock screen was a picture of her and another girl. A weight settled on top of Y/N’s chest again as she unlocked the phone, but she felt a bit better, seeing the home screen was just a bunch of purple flowers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She quickly found the kpop playlist in Nayeon’s recently played section when she opened Spotify and threw it on shuffle before setting it back down on the table. She immediately recognized the song that came up first, Twice’s Girls Like Us, and smiled slightly. She was fond of the song, but something still didn’t feel right. It was her chest again. Something was off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y/N, you said you like Twice,” Nayeon spoke up, wiping her hands on the skirt of her dress and pulling out a seat for herself. As she sat down, she sent Mina a bright smile, sensing the other girl’s anxiety.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re probably my ult group,” Y/N mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck. “This is one of my favorite songs of theirs actually.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you, Mina?” Nayeon said and grabbed her phone, immediately going to scroll through something on it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like Twice,” Mina said and bit the inside of her cheek. “I-I really like their cute concepts.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, you would really like cute concepts,” Nayeon commented. “That’s so you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mina’s cheeks flushed, and she added, “I like mature concepts too. I just- I don’t know.” She brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “Softer music really appeals to me for some reason.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s completely fair,” Nayeon said, putting her phone down again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t hate their new concept or anything though.” Mina laid her hands flat on the table, then clenched them into fists before relaxing them again. “It’s very- elegant. And it suits them really well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it was a good time to change their concept,” Y/N agreed, clearing her throat slightly as she spoke up. There was something caught in it, but she felt awkward, sitting there in silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh definitely,” Nayeon agreed, resting her head on her hand and tapping her cheek to the rhythm of the song, which had now changed to Paradise by Siyeon. “Feel Special makes me feel- well, a lot of things. It makes me think of a lot of people,” she said. “You guys included now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N saw Mina smile nervously, her face a few shades darker than before, and felt hers get hot as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon opened her mouth to say something when a timer on her phone started dinging, and she immediately jumped up and out of her seat. “I guess the cookies are done.” She grabbed some oven mitts off the counter and went to get them out, leaving Mina and Y/N to themselves for the moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nice,” Mina said, and Y/N jumped slightly, not having expected her to speak up. “I don’t really know anyone else that’s into kpop, so there’s that. But it’s also just nice, knowing people who are in a similar position and who want to get better- together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N couldn’t help the smile that appeared on her face, and she reached over to hold one of Mina’s hands. “I’m so glad we came to the program on the same day,” she said, squeezing her hand. “I’m so happy that we get to progress through this together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on here?” Nayeon asked as she set a plate full of cookies down on the table. “I might give them a few minutes to cool down, but they look like they turned out good!” She sat down again and glanced between the two of them. “I’m interrupting something. Aren’t I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Mina said, giving Y/N’s hand its own squeeze before pulling hers back into her lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you say so,” Nayeon replied and shrugged. “You know, I couldn’t tell you how many batches of cookies I’ve burned. I just get distracted from the time! So I’ve started putting timers on my phone now,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait. Speaking of time, what time is it now?” Mina asked, patting the pockets of her jeans in search of her phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon picked up hers and answered, “5:30. Why? Do you have somewhere to be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I completely forgot I have dance class today at six,” Mina said, her face pale and her teeth coming down to chew on her lip. “Is it okay if I…” she trailed off, turning slightly in the direction of the front door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course it’s fine,” Nayeon said, standing up and heading to one of the kitchen cabinets. She grabbed some tupperware, came back to pick up a few cookies off the plate, and stuck them inside before handing it all off to Mina. “Take some cookies with you though. You helped make them, after all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mina nodded and took the tupperware. “Thank you,” she breathed and reached her arms out slightly before pulling them back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon understood what she was going for and took the initiative and gave her a hug goodbye. “Have fun at dance class! Tell me how it goes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will,” Mina said before turning to Y/N. There was hesitation written on her face, but she held out her arms, and Y/N stood up and hugged her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should make a group chat,” she suggested, glancing at Nayeon who grinned and nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like that idea. We can absolutely do that,” she said, practically jumping up and down like an overly excited puppy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like that too.” Mina grabbed her bag where it rested by the front door and waved. “Talk to you guys later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye!” Y/N and Nayeon both called. Nayeon walked over to lock the door after it shut before moving back to the kitchen. She grabbed the plate of cookies and cocked her head in the direction of the living room. “Wanna sit down on the couch? It might be more comfy.” She grabbed her phone too for good measure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want,” Y/N said, getting those first day of kindergarten nerves again now that she was the only guest. Nayeon gestured for her to come, and she followed the other girl to the living room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was slightly cramped with a couch and two plush seats facing a coffee table and a small TV. Y/N hesitantly stepped over to the couch and sat down. Nayeon had no such worries, set the plate of cookies and her phone on the coffee table, and laid down with her head practically in Y/N’s lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N’s face flushed a deep red, and Nayeon laughed. It was a completely lighthearted sound. “You’re not used to having a girl’s head in your lap?” She reached over to grab a cookie and started munching on it. “I get it. It is a little bit intimate. But we’re close like that, right?” She pursed her lips. “Well, maybe not yet... But I want to be,” she murmured, really not caring that Y/N could hear everything, and it showed on her face, her eyes wide like saucers. “Should I get up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-if you want,” Y/N stammered, trying to fight the blush that had not only reached her face but surely her neck and ears as well. “I-I don’t mind.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t?” Nayeon asked, licking some chocolate off of her fingers. It seemed that some of the chocolate chips had partly melted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Y/N breathed, reaching for a cookie herself. Maybe things would be better if they would just eat and not talk about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you say so,” Nayeon practically sang. She shifted slightly, making herself comfortable, which apparently meant nuzzling her head into Y/N’s torso. “Say something if I ever make you feel uncomfortable.” She breathed in through her nose, and Y/N hoped that she smelled like her lavender body wash and not fear. “Remember? Be genuine with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N smiled a genuine smile, and laughter bubbled out of her. “Always,” she reassured her and let a hand run through the other girl’s hair. It was wavy today, but she was pretty sure she had styled it like that since, the entire time she’d known her, it had been straight. Y/N liked it either way, but it was fun to play with the waves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That feels nice,” Nayeon admitted softly. Her eyes were shut, and she leaned her head into Y/N’s hand, eager to be played with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N smiled, but that familiar weight settled on her chest as something nagged at her that this was too much, too good to be true. “We shouldn’t let these cookies get cold,” she murmured, retracting her hand and picking up a cookie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon sat up, her hair a mess and a frown on her face. Y/N reminded herself-</span>
  <em>
    <span> it was too good to be true. It was too good to be true. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But Nayeon sighed, reached for a cookie from the plate, and agreed, “You’re right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat there- sat up straight with a few inches separating the two of them, just kind of munching on the cookies and listening to Nayeon’s playlist. The songs’ general vibes varied greatly, ranging from Epiphany by BTS to Hip by Mamamoo all the way to Rookie by Red Velvet. But Y/N tapped her foot to the rhythm of them all. And Nayeon sang underneath her breath when she knew the songs well enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice, even when singing so low, was beautiful just like Mina’s, but her tone made Y/N feel things- her cheeks heating up here, something fluttering in her stomach there. It made her wish Nayeon was still in her lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should probably stop eating these before we get sick,” Nayeon spoke up suddenly, standing up and grabbing the plate of cookies. “I’ll go wrap them up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, with that, Y/N was alone again. She took the time to put a hand to her chest and focus on slowing her breathing. She could get through this. She was just hanging out with a friend- one she wasn’t supposed to hang out with and who was clearly very affectionate but a friend nonetheless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Nayeon asked as she stepped back into the room. Y/N immediately let her hand drop back down to her side, then, on second thought, started folding her hands in her lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good. Just… a little anxious,” she admitted. When Nayeon sat down and put less space in between them, she scooted slightly further away. “We’re not supposed to be doing this, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There are a lot of things we probably shouldn’t do,” Nayeon said, starting to frown. “I hardly think being friends is a crime. Advised against? Sure. But truly harmful? I don’t think so.” She reached out to hold Y/N’s hands and give them a squeeze. “Hell, we’re expected to act friendly in the program. What’s wrong with being actual friends?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N stared at her. She didn’t have anything to say to that. She was right. But that wasn’t the problem, and Y/N knew it as she glanced back and forth between Nayeon’s eyes and her lips. Being friends wasn’t the problem. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wanted more than that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And there were so many reasons why they couldn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon was silent for a moment as Y/N continued to stare at her lips, and she breathed, “We’re thinking the same thing. Aren’t we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N nodded, and Nayeon smiled. It was lopsided but perfect all the same. “Can I?” she asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Y/N murmured. She paused for a second before nodding again. “Yeah, you can.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon leaned forward. Their noses brushed against each other as their lips connected.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was short and sweet, neither of them daring to go too far, neither of them daring to step on the other’s toes. But they were quickly back at it again, and they, somehow, came to a silent agreement to let it go longer- deeper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The front door opened, and a girl called out, “I’m home!” The two jumped apart as she muttered something to herself at the door. “Did you make cookies again? Nayeon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she came into view, she came to a sudden stop, seeing the two of them, faces flushed on the couch. “I’m not gonna ask,” she decided, fiddling with the strap of a backpack. “You two have fun. But not too much fun. Please. Not on the couch.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Park Jihyo!” Nayeon gasped, hand over her chest. “Who do you think I am?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never know! I’m just making sure!” the girl cried as she headed in the opposite direction and shut the door to another room behind her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goddamnit. I never get the respect I deserve,” Nayeon muttered before glancing at Y/N. “That’s my roommate, Jihyo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s the girl in your lock screen,” Y/N noted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s my best friend,” Nayeon said, rubbing the back of her neck. “Really. Don’t read too far into that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I believe you,” Y/N murmured and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, still staring at Nayeon. She just couldn’t take her eyes off of her, especially not after they just kissed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t lure you here just to make out with you or anything,” Nayeon assured her, holding onto the edge of her skirt. Her hands were clenched into fists, not in anger but anxiety. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Y/N said, laughing slightly at the thought of it. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have invited Mina.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Nayeon agreed, putting a hand to her chest as she exhaled in relief. “So…” she trailed off, pursing her lips. “How do you feel about… that?” She made an incomprehensible gesture, and Y/N quirked an eyebrow. “The kiss? Us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. How did she feel about it? She thought back to her grandmother, who had always been so religious and swallowed thickly, Nayeon frowning as she watched the girl. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s take things slow,” Y/N finally said, tapping her thigh with a decisive fist. “I’m not really… out,” she explained, “and we’re not supposed to even be here with each other anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can take things slow,” Nayeon agreed, nodding. “But can I ask why you’re not out?” She added, “I don’t want to put you in a position where you’re not safe, regardless of how I feel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m safe,” Y/N said after a moment. “My family wouldn’t love it if they found out, but I’m sure I’m safe.” She sighed and clenched her eyes shut. “It’s more so… my grandma who I’m worried about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s not accepting?” Nayeon guessed, her frown deepening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s dead,” Y/N clarified, “but I don’t think she would have been accepting, no. It’s complicated- I like to think she’s watching over me. Because I miss her. But I don’t want her to be upset with me. But I don’t want to hide my true self.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand not wanting to disappoint people,” Nayeon said and chewed on the inside of her cheek. “My family’s from Korea. Most people there... aren’t very accepting. I know I’m the topic of conversations I couldn’t bear to listen to, probably more often than I realize... So I get not being accepted.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s hard,” Y/N murmured.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is. But we still deserve to be ourselves,” Nayeon said. “I have another question.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shoot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should we tell Mina?” Nayeon picked her phone up off the table and fiddled with it. “I still need to set up this groupchat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… think we can trust Mina,” Y/N said, pausing for a moment before nodding her head in agreement with herself. “I mean, you trusted her with coming here. And she’s been nothing but kind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” Nayeon said. Y/N’s phone dinged in her pocket, and she grabbed it, but it was just Nayeon saying hi in their new groupchat. She made a contact for Mina and said hello before glancing back at Nayeon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How should we do this?” She chewed on her lip and stared at her phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s tell her when she’s actually on her phone,” Nayeon said, rubbing circles into Y/N’s thigh. “She’s probably still in dance class. And we don’t want to drop a bomb on her when she’s not prepared.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it a bomb?” Y/N asked, putting her hand over the one Nayeon had on her thigh and squeezing it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe bomb is the wrong word,” Nayeon agreed. “We don’t want to surprise her out of the blue.” She went to lean her head on Y/N’s shoulder but paused. “Is this okay? Is it slow enough for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine.” Y/N nodded, and Nayeon leaned her head on her and loosed a contentful sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stayed like that for awhile, simply enjoying each other’s company and the music playing from Nayeon’s phone. Eventually, Feel Special came on, and Nayeon got off of Y/N and sat up straight to turn it up, all the while singing along. She, then, went back to nuzzling Y/N’s neck again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She got quiet when she sang, “I feel loved. I feel so special.” The words were practically a whisper, and she kissed Y/N gently on the shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N recalled her first session of Anxiety Management- when they talked about how, the higher you got on the anxiety scale, the more physical symptoms you experienced. In that moment, she knew- it was the same thing when you liked someone. The more you liked them, the more you felt it in your body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What Y/N was feeling was more than simple butterflies. The girl was tugging on her heart strings. She was freeing her chest up from the constant weight and tightness. She felt light. She felt free. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was just Nayeon.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi! I hope you're enjoying this story. It would mean the world if you would leave a comment. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>As Y/N parked in the program’s parking lot, she reached over to shut off her kpop playlist and watched Nayeon walk inside without noticing her. She raised her hand to wave, but the girl was already gone. She saw Mina get out of her car though and took the keys out of the ignition and stepped out to greet her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How have you been?” she called, speedwalking to reach her at the door, which Mina held open for her. They hadn’t seen each other since their day at Nayeon’s apartment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been okay. You?” She pursed her lips and whispered, “And Nayeon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon had broken the news to her once she was sure she was relaxing at home and not freaking out over almost missing dance class. She’d congratulated them, admitting she was surprised but happy for them all the same. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve been texting a lot,” Y/N said. She hadn’t seen her since their day at the apartment either, but it was almost like they’d been connected at the hip with how much they’d been talking to each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure,” Mina laughed. “With how much you used the groupchat, I can only imagine how much you two were talking by yourselves.” She still spoke quietly as they walked toward the office, and Y/N was grateful she was keeping their secret. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do we have up first today again?” she asked, speaking louder now and holding the door to the program open for Mina. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“DBT I think,” Mina said. “Thank you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both shrugged off their jackets as they approached the break room table, hanging them on the backs of their chairs as they sat down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Nayeon,” Y/N said softly. She wanted to touch her gently and even went to lay a hand on her shoulder but refrained. She saw Sam at the other table and didn’t want him or anyone to read into the gentleness of a touch like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon smiled softly as she took her headphones out. “Hey. You ready for DBT?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N frowned as she took in her appearance. She looked good- amazing, in fact, with a full face of makeup (not that she needed it) and a beautiful black dress on. But there was something off about her. She looked hunched over- like she was folding inwards. She looked small, whether she was trying to or that was just how she felt. But that was not Nayeon, the big personality she knew. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Y/N asked, reaching out this time to hold a hand wrapped around one of her earbuds. Nayeon quickly pulled it away, and Y/N’s frown deepened, a stinging sensation in her chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon’s face softened, seeing the hurt in Y/N’s. “Sorry. I’m fine. I’m just… tired. I didn’t get any sleep last night,” she explained. She held Y/N’s hand under the table, giving it a light squeeze for good measure before gently dropping it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you say so,” Y/N said, pursing her lips. She really thought that Nayeon looked like she needed help, which was fine if that was the case. But she needed to know to give it to her. “Genuine?” she asked suddenly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon smiled weakly. “Genuine.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Who’s ready to get started?” Logan suddenly stepped out of his office, trusty tablet in tow, and gestured for the group to move over to the conference room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>David jogged into the break room, wiping a hand across his forehead. “Just made it,” he said, sighing in relief. “My alarm didn’t go off this morning.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad to see you made it,” Logan replied, opening the door wider for him to pass through. Sam and the girls followed behind them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N paused as Nayeon sat in her usual seat by Logan, considering sitting by her other side, but she didn’t want to look too suspicious and decided to sit in the corner instead like always. Mina sat a few seats over, trying not to look at either of her friends and failing, but she glanced shyly at David and Sam and Logan too to make up for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what do you guys want to do for check in?” Logan asked, setting his tablet down in his lap. “I don’t think we’ve done movies in awhile,” he said, one leg starting to bounce. He reached a hand out to steady the tablet on top of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could do movies,” David agreed, and everyone nodded along. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon, why don’t you start?” Logan asked, turning to look at her. “What movie do you feel like?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon chewed the inside of her cheek. “Oh. I don’t know…” She sat up straighter and murmured, “Maybe Beauty and the Beast.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan picked up his tablet and typed that down. “Okay. And why is that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like- I need to find someone that will see beauty in me… where I just see a beast.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N stared at her with a frown, but Nayeon avoided her gaze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And a mood rating?” Logan glanced up to look her in the eye without judgement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A four,” Nayeon decided and stood up. “Would you mind if I go to the bathroom?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all. I assume you know where it is?” Logan asked, reaching to open the door up for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do. I’ve been here long enough.” She said it in a joking manner, but Y/N wanted to see her eyes. She wanted to know for sure that she was okay. But Nayeon left without looking her way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She reminded herself that she had said she was being genuine, and she’d just have to believe that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Check-in passed without a hitch, and, then, they were on break again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N stepped out of the room, immediately looking for Nayeon, but she didn’t seem to be back yet. She tried not to let the disappointment show on her face and grabbed her phone from her bag. She threw on her kpop playlist and sat there, tapping her foot with every beat but also in anticipation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few songs passed, and Nayeon still wasn’t back. She opened her mouth to speak when Mina stood up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go check up on Nayeon and make sure she’s alright,”she said, placing a hand on Y/N’s shoulder and squeezing reassuringly before leaving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not a minute later, Logan gathered them all together in the conference room again for DBT. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Today, we’ll be discussing gratitude,” he said and pulled out a bunch of packets from a folder before placing the folder against the legs of his chair. He handed the stack to Sam, who passed it down around the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gratitude is a crucial part of your recovery journey, whether you realize it or not,” Logan said once everyone had a copy. “Positive thinking, as we know, influences your feelings and behavior, therefore leading you to feel better and take better care of yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He started listing off the specific benefits of practicing gratitude, and Y/N did, to her credit,  hear him talk about increasing happiness and reducing stress, but, beyond that, he lost her to her thoughts. She gripped the sides of her chair, her knuckles turning white as she questioned what was taking Nayeon so long and if she was really okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Practicing gratitude can even decrease your chances of relapsing,” Logan said. She didn’t register what he said until a few moments after as she replayed the words in her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She let go of her chair, falling back against it as the weight of those words crashed on top of her chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Genuine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she told herself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Genuine</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She repeated it like a mantra and almost didn’t realize when Malia poked her head inside and asked for her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>David had to tap her on the shoulder and point to the door where Malia was standing for her to get it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She rose from her seat on unsteady feet. It kinda felt like she was walking with one foot asleep, but she managed to stumble over all the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon is… having a rough time,” Malia said once the door was closed, and Y/N felt tears in her eyes already. Malia- she had to be wrong. Nayeon- she had to be okay. Y/N- she had to pretend she was just a peer. She swallowed thickly- blinked quickly until the tears were gone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She wanted to see you,” Malia told her, and her chest felt tight. They were supposed to pretend they were just friendly. What did Nayeon have to be going through to break that promise? “Do you want to see her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was all Y/N wanted, but she couldn’t tell her that and just answered with a quiet nod yes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malia sighed. Y/N couldn’t tell if she was relieved, or if there was something burdening her, but she said, “What you’re going to see is potentially going to be very triggering.” She pursed her lips and asked, “Are you one hundred percent sure you want to go? Us staff can always try to handle the situation ourselves. It won’t be a problem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N frowned, debating what was appropriate to say. “I want to see her too,” she murmured and was unsure for a moment if Malia even heard her, but she nodded and started leading her out of the break room and away toward the bathroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she opened the door, Y/N immediately heard the sound of someone gagging. Her grip on the doorknob tightened, and she almost ran back out, but she saw Mina crouched down outside of one of the stalls and reminded herself- she was strong enough to do this. The other girl sighed in relief when they made eye contact and pushed herself up off the floor to move over to her and Malia.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She won’t come out,” Mina told her quietly, blowing some strands of hair out of her face. “Sh-she just keeps crying. And putting herself down.” There were clear tear tracks on her face as well, and Y/N’s stomach churned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She stepped over to the stall and hesitated but sat down beside it, glancing back at Mina and Malia for support. Mina gave her a shaky thumbs up, and Malia just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon?” Y/N spoke, pulling her legs into her chest. “You-you wanted to see me.” She cocked her head to the side, waiting for a response. “Can you come out of there?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think so,” Nayeon sniffled, and Y/N gnawed on her lower lip. She hated this. She hated this so much. “I threw up,” Nayeon admitted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Y/N replied, and she could practically see the way her sob must have wracked her body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just- I’m so fat.” She sounded like she was choking on her own tears. “I’m just fat and worthless, and- and…” She made a sound not unlike a whimper, and Y/N clenched her hands into fists. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not though,” she said, quiet at first, but she repeated it a little bit louder. “You’re not. It’s all in your head, Nayeon. I’m bigger than you, and I’m not just fat and worthless, am I?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s different,” Nayeon argued. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not,” Y/N said. “The only difference is you have dysmorphia toward your own body.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s right, Nayeon,” Malia interjected, arms crossed over her chest. “I was trying to tell you. You don’t see your body the way the rest of us do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re beautiful, Nayeon,” Mina said, tears in her eyes. “Even if you were fat, you’d still be beautiful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon, please come out,” Y/N begged her, clenching her eyes shut and letting the tears fall down her cheeks. “I want to see your beautiful face. I want to see it smile and be happy. I want to hold your beautiful body until you see it the way I do. Please, Nayeon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She heard the lock on the door slide open and lifted her head and opened her eyes. She heard the lock shake in her grip, but, a second later, the door was opening. Nayeon scooted out of its way but still sat down on the floor. She reached out for Y/N but decided at the last minute to lay her head down in her lap instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N immediately started playing with her hair, but Nayeon took hold of her hand and held it against her cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” she whispered and wiped away her tears. She got up off of her, almost falling over in her grogginess but gestured for Y/N to come closer. She listened, and they rested their foreheads against one another like maybe they could keep out the rest of the world and just be alone together in that moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately, Malia cleared her throat, and Y/N’s eyes darted to her. Her face was set in a deep frown, and Mina was fiddling with her fingers as she stood beside her. “Mina, you can go back to group,” she said, and Mina nodded and, albeit hesitantly, rushed out of there. “Nayeon, Y/N, I’d like to see you two in my office,” she said with a sigh, “once you’re done here.” She left the bathroom, her heels clicking ominously against the tile floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N and Nayeon were both silent for a moment, then another- then several more. Nayeon finally broke it, reaching back into the bathroom stall and pulling out her purse. She rummaged through it as she stood up on shaky legs, Y/N following her lead, arms outstretched in case she needed the extra support. But she was alright on her own and pulled out a toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You knew you were going to do this?” Y/N asked, retracting her arms and holding a hand to her chest. Her heart was beating erratically as her mind raced through all of the possible outcomes of this, and none of them looked good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had a feeling,” Nayeon admitted, moving over to the sink to brush her teeth. As she spat out the toothpaste, she wiped her chin and started sniffling again. “I’m sorry I lied. I-I’m sorry I said I was being genuine. I just… couldn’t let you stop me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N hugged herself, feeling tears spring to the surface again. She blinked them away. “It’s okay. I understand. You’re not in the right headspace.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon chewed her lip and hesitated but nodded. “I’m still looking in this mirror and telling myself every hateful thing I can,” she said. She moved her gaze to Y/N’s reflection and added, “But I’m trying to tell myself you see me differently. And that that’s enough.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N walked forward, wrapped her arms around Nayeon’s waist, and rested her head on her shoulder. “You’re beautiful.” She said it, but something about Nayeon’s words struck the wrong chord with her. But she didn’t know exactly what or why it was. “Should we go to Malia’s office now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon moved Y/N’s arms from around her and spun around, so the two were facing each other. She grasped Y’N’s hands and gave them a light squeeze. “I just want this one moment to ourselves first. One moment- one blissful moment before things come crashing down is only fair, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N pursed her lips, her mind still focused on everything that was wrong, but she took a deep breath- in and, then, out, and, with her breath, she let go of all of her worries, at least for that moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once she saw all of the tension leave Y/N’s body, Nayeon wrapped her arms around her neck and leaned in. And Y/N met her halfway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It tasted distinctly of mint, the memories of Nayeon’s toothpaste still fresh, but it was sweet in its gentleness if not taste. At least, it was gentle at first. But it was clear both were hungry for something only the other could provide, and the kiss deepened accordingly. They were both out of breath when they broke it off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s all I wanted,” Nayeon breathed, cheeks flushed and lips slightly swollen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N just nodded at first, unsure how to put her feelings to words. It was like she short-circuited or something, but she managed to get out a “same” at least. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess we should go see Malia,” Nayeon said. She picked her purse up off of the counter, and she reminded Y/N of how she herself had felt going to her apartment, the way she held her purse close like some kind of shield from harm- like a kindergartener on their first day of class. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure you’re okay?” Y/N asked, reaching out and touching her arm. Nayeon nodded, and she retracted it. “If you’re okay…” She held the door open for her, and Nayeon scurried through it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t speak on their way to the program room nor when they stood outside of Malia’s office. Y/N knocked softly, then fiddled with her hands in front of her. Nayeon gripped her purse tight enough that her knuckles went white. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malia finally opened the door up a crack and sighed, seeing the two of them, before opening it up further for them to come inside. They each took one of the plush seats and scooted them over, so they were facing Malia’s desk, which she dropped behind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s cut to the chase,” she said, folding her hands and resting her head on top of them. “You two seem to have broken one of our most important rules. Unless I’m somehow mistaken.” She raised an eyebrow and asked, “Am I mistaken?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N gulped and glanced at Nayeon, who glanced back at her. They both shook their heads.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malia clenched her eyes shut and muttered, “I see. You both know what that means, correct?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N bit her lip- gnawed on it really and argued, “You can’t do that to Nayeon. You can kick me out but not her- not when she’s like this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y/N,” Nayeon said, placing a hand on her thigh and rubbing soft circles into the denim material of her jeans. “If anyone should stay, it’s you. You only just started this program.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re both assuming that one of you is staying,” Malia cut in, and they both opened their mouths to speak before promptly shutting them. “You’re also assuming I want to kick you out. I don’t want to kick either of you out. You should know that.” She placed her hands on top of her desk, holding herself back from clenching them into fists to release some tension. “You’re both my patients. You both matter to me- I would hope you would know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You matter to me too,” Nayeon said, and Y/N nodded in agreement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She started speaking when Malia held up a hand and said, “But.” She sighed, running a hand through her hair and holding onto it at the base of her scalp. “You both defied our rules here. I can’t just ignore that because of my own feelings.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there anything we can do?” Y/N asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What would we do? Not see each other?” Nayeon asked, and Y/N was silent. Nayeon furrowed her eyebrows and frowned deeply, questioning, “You’d go along with that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to. Malia stood up and said, “I have to run group now. You two are free to join, or you can stay here. But today is both of your last days. And there’s nothing any of us can do to change that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them spoke up, so Malia shrugged and left to go to the conference room. It was quiet for awhile, neither of them sure what to say- what they could say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’d be willing to break up to stay in the program?” Nayeon finally asked, and Y/N clenched her eyes shut, not wanting to see the hurt on her face. “Was that a joke?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. It wasn’t a joke,” Y/N breathed. “I was serious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean that little to you?” Y/N peeked her eyes open and immediately regretted it. Nayeon’s face was full of raw emotion. She looked ready to cry again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not it,” Y/N argued. “If anything, I care about you more for that.” She grabbed Nayeon’s hands and gripped them tightly. “I want you to get better, to be healthy… I would do anything to make that happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re going to help that happen,” Nayeon said, pulling her hand out of Y/N’s grasp, so she could hold hers instead. “You give me strength. And happiness. And- so much more. I need that to get better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N didn’t respond. Nayeon filled that silence like it would be the death of her, “I need you, Y/N.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t,” Y/N finally said, shaking her head. “Or at least you shouldn’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Nayeon gawked at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re never going to recover fully if you rely on me for your strength and happiness,” Y/N murmured. “You need to find those things within yourself. That’s how you’re going to get stronger than you are now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can still do that with you.” It was like Nayeon was begging her at this point, and Y/N hadn’t even suggested any course of action yet. But they both knew what she was implying they should do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if you can.” Y/N reached up and brushed some hair out Nayeon’s face, then wiped away the tears starting to leak from her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can,” Nayeon insisted. “I can.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon, I need you to be honest with yourself right now,” Y/N said, cupping the sides of her face. “I’m gonna be a crutch. And you’re just going to focus on our relationship instead of your relationship with yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true.” Nayeon put her hand over one of the ones cupping her face and interweaved their fingers. “Please. Don’t do this to me.” She started to hiccup as more and more tears flowed down her cheeks. “It feels like- you’re ripping the floor out from under me. It-it feels like you’re ripping into my chest- and gouging my heart out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s exactly why I have to do this, Nayeon,” Y/N said quietly. “As long as you’re still relapsing, no romantic relationship between us would be healthy.” She grabbed Nayeon’s other hand and gave it a small squeeze. “I’ll still be here for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about once I recover?” Nayeon asked, ripping her hands from Y/N’s grasp to wipe at her wet cheeks. “What then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll wait for you,” Y/N promised. “”Of course I’ll be waiting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon could only sniffle, all cried out. “And what about just being friends?” She chewed on her lip. “I’m not gonna lose you entirely. Am I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll still be there as a friend,” Y/N said. “You’ll never lose me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon nodded slowly. She had given up on arguing. She just wanted to go home at this point. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y/N sighed in relief- and shuddered with regret. She knew she was doing the right thing with Nayeon. But damn did it hurt. But she couldn’t let Nayeon see that. She understood that feeling of being torn up inside. And it hurt- so badly. But she had to be strong now, or Nayeon never would be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the end, they were just two heartbroken girls sitting there together- but dreadfully alone. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi! I hope you're enjoying this story. It would mean the world if you would leave a comment. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>~<em>Four months later~</em></p><p>“<em>Just wanna be me, be me… I wanna be me, me, me.</em>”</p><p>Y/N pushed the home button on her phone and switched her playlist off, leaning back in her car seat with a sigh. She glanced back at Mina in the front car mirror, but she was just scrolling on her phone until she felt eyes on her and looked up.</p><p>“So how was your last day at the program?” Y/N asked, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear and slumping over. They had been waiting for a good ten minutes, and they had thought they had gotten there late. She’d have to joke that this girl was more trouble than she was worth. But it would always be a joke.</p><p>“It was pretty emotional,” Mina murmured, sitting up and setting her phone down beside her. “I knew kinda how the graduation went because I’ve seen a couple people go through it already.” Y/N was sure she had- she’d heard her stories about Sam and David and Isabelle and how they were all doing before they inevitably left the program. “But it’s different going through it yourself.”</p><p>“How so?” Y/N tried but failed to crack her neck to the right but succeeded to the left. She saw Mina scrunch up her nose in distaste at the sound, but she knew the girl well enough by now to know she’d look past it.</p><p>“They go around the room and have everyone say something about or to you, no matter how new they are,” Mina explained, one leg starting to bounce. “So like there was a girl who had only been there for two days who had to say something encouraging to a practical stranger.”</p><p>“That… makes no sense,” Y/N said, raising an eyebrow. “Isn’t that just putting the girl through unnecessary anxiety? And when her anxiety’s probably at its worst if she just started no less.”</p><p>“Yes and no.” Mina crossed one leg over the other in an attempt to stop it from bouncing. “The thing is that you get to compare yourself to that girl that’s only been there for two days. You get to see where you were when you got there and how far you’ve progressed since then.” She shook her head. “Then, they ask you to say something. It’s not like a speech or anything. You just spit out whatever comes to mind from your seat... But I’d like to think that girl got to see who she could become through what I had to say.”</p><p>Y/N pursed her lips and glanced at the entrance of the shop once more to see if she was finally coming, but there was no one there. “You have changed a lot,” she said. She physically turned back to look her in the eye. “You used to be this little ball of anxiety. You’re still introverted, but you’ve really grown into your own.”</p><p>Mina reached up to wipe the tears in her eyes away like they were pesky bugs. “You’ve grown a lot too.” She cocked her head to the side and added, “You and Nayeon both. And without the program too.” She frowned slightly. “I was so scared when you guys got kicked out... But you made it work.”</p><p>Y/N started to tear up too and turned to face forward again, so Mina wouldn’t see her get emotional like that. She had worked her little butt off in therapy for the past few months to get to where she was now, and she knew Nayeon had done the same if not more. “I’m gonna check and see what Nayeon’s still doing,” she decided, and Mina nodded as she stepped out of the car. “I’m gonna lock you in if that’s okay.”</p><p>“I’ll be fine,” Mina told her, giving her a thumbs up before going back to her phone.</p><p>Y/N walked the short distance to the entrance of the flower shop. An old man with a large bouquet of flowers she definitely couldn’t identify held the door open for her, and she quietly thanked him as she headed inside.</p><p>Nayeon was at the counter, talking to a guy around their age, maybe a few years older with a bunch of roses in hand. She looked relieved when Y/N showed up, her shoulders losing some tension, and Y/N raised a curious eyebrow.</p><p>“This is my girlfriend,” Nayeon said with a tone of finality, and the guy glanced over at Y/N, whose confusion was clear on her face- eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed, inside of her cheek bitten. He immediately deflated at the sight of her.</p><p>Nayeon kissed Y/N on the cheek once she got close enough. Her aunt, who Y/N recognized behind the counter, made a face but didn’t say anything. She’d liked Y/N before they started dating, but she didn’t let the woman’s new attitude bother her too much.</p><p>“Sorry I bothered you,” the guy said with a sigh. He took his roses and left, head bent down, forlorn.</p><p>Nayeon shook her head, smiling in pure embarrassment. “Sorry I had to drag you into that,” she said, blowing some strands of hair out of her face. She turned around to take her apron off but stopped short when she saw the clock in the corner of her eye. “Oh shit. I really made you guys wait that long? <em>Shit</em>. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Y/N reassured her, turning to leave once Nayeon was done abandoning her apron and grabbing her coat and bag. They waved goodbye to her aunt, who didn’t say anything, although that was probably for the best. The two stepped out of the store into the cool night, and Nayeon zipped up her jacket as they walked.</p><p>“This jacket’s kinda tight these days,” she commented, breaking their silence. Y/N turned to look at her, concern already written on her face. “I guess that means I’ve gained weight… But I don’t feel bad about that anymore.” She spoke slowly, “My body is filled with health and vitality.” It was a mantra she repeated often.</p><p>“And you’ve never been more beautiful,” Y/N said, kissing her on the cheek before they went their separate ways to get to opposite sides of the car.</p><p>“Hey,” Nayeon breathed once Y/N opened the passenger’s side door. She smiled at Mina. “Sorry I made you wait. Some guy was being a flirt. Can’t really help it, being this pretty and all.” She nudged Y/N as they both sat down. “You could stand to be a little more jealous, you know.”</p><p>“What do I have to be jealous of?” Y/N asked, rolling her eyes but grinning at the same time. “I know you love me. Can’t really help it, being this great and all.”</p><p>Nayeon rolled her eyes and huffed. “It’d be romantic though.”</p><p>“Let’s not be too mushy,” Y/N argued. “Mina didn’t sign up to be a third wheel here.”</p><p>“You guys are cute,” Mina said. “I’ll give you that. But yeah. Please don’t make this like last time.”</p><p>“We said we were sorry!” Nayeon interjected, and Y/N ran a hand over her face as she put the keys in the ignition and started her playlist up again. “We won’t do it again.”</p><p>“We’ll see,” Mina said, shaking her head and laughing. “Otherwise, I’ll be forced to believe you only bring me over to smooth things over with your parents.”</p><p>Y/N groaned. Her parents were never quite happy when she brought Nayeon over- but they always loved Mina. “I swear that’s not the reason,” she pleaded. But she did admit, “It definitely doesn’t hurt though.”</p><p>“I knew it,” Mina said matter of factly.</p><p>Nayeon ignored them and started singing along to the music, and the other two quieted down to listen to her, Y/N silently starting the drive to her house.</p><p>“You know what that line means?” Nayeon asked at the end of one verse, and Y/N glanced at her in the corner of her eye.</p><p>“”I don’t expect a lot right now. Just stay with me”,” Mina murmured.</p><p>“I love that line. Because that’s all I want.” Nayeon bit her lip. “It’s all you’ve ever done, but that’s still all I want,” she said. “Just stay with me.”</p><p>“I promise I’ll stay,” Mina told her, looking her in the eyes through the front car mirror.</p><p>Y/N had to bite her lip to keep from smiling because she knew, if she let herself smile, she’d start to cry. “That’s all I’ll ever do.”</p><p>Nayeon sat up with a grin, satisfied with those answers. “Thank you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi! I hope you enjoyed this story. I hope the ending was okay. It would mean the world if you would leave a comment. &lt;3 Also, I have an Im Nayeon x reader modern Pride and Prejudice retelling that I’m currently working on, so expect more from me soon. </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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